Life Is a Mix CD, Part Five

Conundrum (Summer 2002)

Disc One

1. Braid “Milwaukee Sky Rocket”
2. Mineral “If I Could”
3. The Promise Ring “Become One Anything One”
4. The Pixies “Here Comes Your Man”
5. Phantom Planet “Anthem”
6. Belle & Sebastian “Take Your Carriage Clock and Shove It”
7. Ben Folds “Still Fighting It”
8. Alkaline Trio “Bleeder
9. Cool Hand Luke “10 or 40”
10. Creeper Lagoon “Big Money Struggle”
11. Hot Water Music “Rooftops”
12. Death Cab for Cutie “Styrofoam Plates”
13. Cross My Heart “Self-Loathing Bastard”
14. Fugazi “Merchandise”
15. The Weakerthans “Watermark”
16. Piebald “All You Need Is Drums to Start a Dance Party”
17. The Hives “Die, All Right!”
18. The Dismemberment Plan “Time Bomb”
19. Damien Jurado and Gathered in Song “Castles”
20. Jawbreaker “Bad Scene, Everyone's Fault”
21. Pavement “. . . And Carrot Rope”

Disc Two

1. Belle & Sebastian “Sleep the Clock Around”
2. Green Day “Brain Stew”
3. Hot Water Music “Paper Thin”
4. Cursive “The Great Decay”
5. The White Stripes “Fell In Love With a Girl”
6. Fugazi “Blueprint”
7. Pinehurst Kids “Shepherd to the Lost Sheep”
8. Ben Folds Five “Philosophy”
9. Samiam “Super Brava”
10. Sunny Day Real Estate “In Circles”
11. Pavement “Embassy Row”
12. Actionslacks “Lying in Bed”
13. The Appleseed Cast “Steps and Numbers”
14. Creeper Lagoon “Under the Tracks”
15. The Dismemberment Plan “Gyroscope”
16. The Gloria Record “The Arctic Cat”
17. The Strokes “Hard to Explain”
18. The Weakerthans “Pamphleteer”
19. Jimmy Eat World “Blister”
20. Piebald “Mess With the Blues”
21. Mineral “Parking Lot”

The Summer of 2002 is a little fuzzy in my mind. Probably because no single big event occurred during that period. I remember spending lots of time watching movies and listening to music and reading books. My roommate went back home for the summer, so the apartment was mine for the taking. I could listen, watch, or read what I wanted, when I wanted, wherever I wanted in the house. It wasn't a bad gig, though a little lonely at times. I was working 40 hour weeks at McDonald's, but besides facilitating the payment of my bills, I pretty much put all of my efforts in finding ways to waste time in a somewhat productive manner. I know I spent some time with friends I had made that hung around College Station for the summer, so I wasn't being LonerHermitGuy, not completely anyway. I think if my life turned back into the way it was that summer, I might just go crazy trying to keep myself busy, but I did a pretty good job of avoiding boredom back then.

Since I had so much time on my hands, I also had time to make a two-disc mix. This mix received rave reviews. I sent this one all over the country as well as having the opportunity to hand a bunch of mixes out to people who I got to meet that summer. It seemed to be a good summer to travel for everyone but me, but at least people came to Texas, and I finally got a chance to put faces and personalities to a few of the online friends that I had made. While I still hold that my A Holiday In Rome mix took far more creative juice, I have come to realize the songs on this mix have stood the test of time. I still love listening to this mix. The flow of this mix was also something that I labored over. Notice the special mind paid to the first and last songs on each disc (you guys are trying to find all these songs or digging out these mixes from your old piles of CDs, right?). Also notice the contrast between some of the softer and harder songs that I juxtapose. I was trying to capture the idea of a conundrum/paradox with this mix, so I did at least have a little bit of a concept in mind. I also took longer to work on the cover, and I must say it turned out pretty well (see image below). A lot of the people that I sent it to simply liked to listen to the same stuff that I did, but I think I introduced some new music to people through the compilation, which has become something of a self-assigned mission that I am still trying to complete today.

While digging around for the album cover picture on some old backup CDs, I uncovered a few other interesting documents. For the record, in August of 2002, I looked something like this:

Notice the complete lack of pudge from my face. Also notice my complete inability to grow facial hair. I probably hadn't shaved in two weeks to achieve the dusting of scruff on my face in that picture.

I also was still completely infatuated with Audrey Hepburn, as evidenced by my desktop screencap I found from July of 2002:

The most curious item I found in the backup was a incomplete short story I started writing during the summer. I didn't even have school to push me to do it. It's a good thing I found the short story. I had no idea what this blog was actually going to be about when I started it, since my memory of this summer has a certain haze over it. I browsed through the story and found some interesting details that really reflected my life at this time. I am far more autobiographical than I give myself credit for, I guess. I may have to revisit the short story and see if I can't salvage it into something submittable, as well as figure out how to end the thing.

I am interested that the main character in my story is kind of having trouble finding his place in his family. My own place in my family is something I was having trouble finding at the time, now that I finally realized who I was and what I was passionate about. I am probably the most “out there” of all my immediate family. I believe in all forms social justice and do crazy things like vote for Democrats and Libertarians. I have a liberal arts education times two, which no one else in my immediate family has or can probably even relate to. I have always been one to question why things are the way things are, to the point of annoyance when I was a kid. Adulthood has not tempered my curiosity. I just really couldn't identify with my parents. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my family very much and did even then. I was just having problems figuring out where I fit in and where my personality and interests come from. I have since come to terms with these things. I know my passion for literature and writing must come from my late Mama Lois, my great-grandmother. I know my passion for music comes from both my mom's parents. A few years ago I saw a picture of my Papa Ben (my great-grandfather who I never knew) sitting on his couch playing an electric guitar plugged into an amp. A lightbulb went off in my head and I thought it was pretty cool. My Mamaw still plays the organ at church and I remember having lots of fun playing with the organ at her house when I was a kid. I also have a great memory of my Aunt Shara teaching me to play “Heart and Soul” on a piano in Wellington, where my great-grandparents from my Mom's side are from. I also know my meticulous attention to detail and work ethic come directly from my father and his mother (my Grandma), and while I am meticulous about many things, I know the parts of my house that end up a little cluttered (like the top of my computer desk as I sit here and type) come from my mother. It's not a big deal though. I know where everything is on this desk, just like my mom would.

Another big theme of the story is that the character seems to be having a problem with religion and the church. I know this summer was the exact moment in time when I began to question, to really question the existence of God. It is certainly the time in my life when I began to have a problem with a lot of what I saw in organized religion. I am sure these statements might be met with gasps by some readers and the nodding of heads by others, but these events in my life contributed very directly to who I am today. They contributed to my understanding of God and my relationship with My Creator. I did come to terms with the existence of God for the most part. I believe it is part of our human nature to question the existence our gods throughout our lives, or at least to question why things are the way they are. For me, this pondering contributes to a better understanding of God. One thing I have become very aware of through my spiritual journey thus far is all of us humans have a very different understanding of God or Buddha or Allah or whatever. I think our understanding comes directly from our relationship with God, which is certainly unique for each of us. Before the long journey I started back in the summer of 2002, I basically believed whatever was coming out of the pastor's mouth. I mean, I could think for myself, but I kind of thought the pastor was just supposed to tell us what to think about God and how to live our lives. I blame church and high school for my seeming inability for critical thought before I got to college. I think this kind of thinking, taking a speaker's word as concrete truth, gets us into trouble in most situations. (It's not really thinking at all, is it?).

As far as the church itself goes, I really got stuck in a rut. Firstly, I got overly involved. I went to everything having to do with church in high school and at the beginning of college, or so it seemed to me. The danger of over-involvement for me is that it all became very routine and not at all about my relationship with God or even my relationship to those around me. At the time, there was also a lot of hate, finger-pointing, and politics at the church I was going to. I, of course, knew all of this was going on because I was too involved. Secondly, seeing all the hate and the way people treated each other and seeing the hypocritical behaviors occurring outside church made me not want to go. I was done. I felt a lot more love from some scenester girl letting me by at a rock show so I could get to the bathroom. Or some guy in a Marilyn Manson t-shirt holding open a door for an old lady (I swear I saw this happen one day in college). And as the Beatles would say, “the word is Love.” From this point forward in college, I just stopped even trying to go to church. I must admit I don't regret this period in my life at all. I was able to ask the questions I needed to ask and to journey to the place where I am today, which is a nice place to be, I can assure you. My non-attendance continued for several years after college, and I have had some spotty periods of attendance since I have returned to attending church. It's not about attendance to me though, it is about my relationship with God, others, and my relationship with myself. These three relationships really go hand-in-hand in my mind anyway. If I am not getting something productive to these relationships, then I am not in the right place, and I have tried churches where I certainly haven't been in the right place. Not the right place for me anyway.

I know this blog is supposed to be about the past, and I have talked a lot about the present, but the summer of 2002 was the start of a lifelong journey in my Spirituality. The story I found reminded me of how I felt at the time and how my feelings started a “long and winding road” to quote the Beatles again. To reassure those who are concerned about my eternal damnation to Hell, don't fret. God and I are in a good place these days, though I'll never count out some rocky paths ahead in the future. I am sure I will have many hard times. To anyone I've offended, it wasn't my intent, but I don't apologize. I know religion and spirituality are controversial subjects. These are really my own thoughts. I respect your thoughts on spirituality, religion, and any deities you consider to be the foundation of your beliefs. I also invite any kind of dialog anyone wants to have about spirituality, religion, and the like. And no, I don't consider it my job in life to convert you to my way of thinking. I know a simple dialog can be enlightening to both of us and take us both further down our roads on our spiritual journeys. I consider it my job to show love, understanding, and tolerance to everyone. After all, that's all my God did in his time here on Earth. Seems a pretty good example to follow.

As an afterthought, no, I will not stop using those four-letter words when situation calls for it, though I will try not to direct them directly at anyone because, well, it's just not very nice. God made curse words, too, believe it or not. And no, I certainly won't remove those four-letter words from my short stories. They contribute to the verisimilitude (look it up) of my characters. And yes, I am a hypocrite and mess up a lot. I am a work in progress, you know.